Unforgiven
The death of the family matriarch or patriarch combined with a blended family or adopted children can become a financial and emotional disaster. Even the smallest dispute can result in large legal bills. The way to avoid the this financial disaster and deep emotional trauma is to forgive, and if you are the unforgiven, well, do your best to open the lines of communication and stay out of the courthouse. That said, the path of the unforgiven is often preordained.
By blended families or blended children, I mean some sort of family unit where the children, now adults, have not bonded as a family unit. In fact, not only is the family bond missing or weak, some level of jealousy and resentment is present. This occurs when there are children from previous relationship(s) and a child born to the current relationship, natural born children and adopted children, or when there is a large age difference between the last child born to the relationship and the other children (the oops! baby, if you will).
This is not to say that all blended families harbor resentment and jealousy nor do all blended families end up in court. However, in our office, the pointless probate litigation and expensive probate cases usually involve adult children who are not held together by a strong family bond. When the family matriarch or patriarch dies (i.e., the common parent), the family bond is gone, and the slightest disagreement can turn into a large, expensive dispute. So, can this Armageddon be avoided? Maybe. Here are some ideas to consider.
The matriarch or patriarch of this blended family should have a well-drafted, revocable trust estate plan. We suggest a revocable trust plan because initiating litigation against the trust or the trustee is somewhat harder than initiating litigation in a probate estate. The estate plan should be very clear about who is to be in charge, who gets what assets and how disputes are to be resolved. If one child is receiving more than the others, it may be helpful to disclose that fact to the disenfranchised children long before death. Quality estate plans for blended families tend to be more expensive but well worth the money.
Adult children should consider seeking professional help, i.e., a grief counselor, psychologist or somebody to provide emotional counsel. I am not a psychologist. I can only relate what I see. What I see are adult children, living a fast-paced if not hectic life, flying into town for a funeral and then flying back home. What I do not see is people taking the time they need to grieve apart from the time needed to wind up the loose ends that the parent inevitably leaves behind. In trying to do both at the same time, minor disagreements can becomes major disputes. Other family members can misinterpret actions taken with the best of intentions.
If legal counsel is necessary, hire a lawyer who has experience dealing with grieving families, i.e., a probate lawyer. When “family” members become upset, their choice of legal counsel can have a profound impact on the escalation or de-escalation of the dispute. Experienced probate lawyers understand how emotions can overcome logic and reason. Quality, professional probate lawyers will be candid about the cost of litigation and the strength of the case.
Last but not least, if litigation is started, it helps to consider mediation with a qualified, mediator. Once litigation is initiated, the lines of communication are cut. The lawyers are now doing the talking at our usual hourly rates. Depending on the lawyers, this can either make matters better or worse. The qualified mediator gets family members communicating again at a fraction f the cost.
Unfortunately, the path of the unforgiven may be inevitable. There is no quick fix. There is no magic estate plan or other formula. Sometimes, the best one can do is just recognize the potential for dispute and try to keep things under control.